Ever since a young age, my daughter has been sensitive to how others perceive her. She’s highly in-tune with sensing her emotions in a way that made sense to her. She was tested and diagnosed with ADHD, social anxiety, and adjustment disorder in 2020 upon entering the fourth grade.
Sitting on the worn couch, I watch my daughter as she transitions to her next rotation in her ninja class. I see the exact moment when she shifts, my little girl, with overflowing smiles, laughs, and sass, becomes straight-faced, drained of emotion.
I watch the confidence as it slips from her frame and puddles on the floor.
She excuses herself and walks from the opposite side of the mat. Her eyes begin to well as she tries hard to hold it in until she makes it over the barrier, past the other parents watching their children.
When she gets closer, I excuse myself from my couch companion and follow to the restroom.
I lock the door as she melts to the floor, curls up, and pushes back as far as she can into the corner. She slumps between the exposed brick and painted wall of white. She covers her face with her hands, trying to disappear.
These are the times that I am thankful I understand what she’s feeling.
Things That Can Help During These Moments
I find that just being there for her helps her to feel less alone. She used to come in for an immediate hug or arm squeeze, but now as she has gotten older, that’s the last thing she wants when she’s upset. If I forget and go in to comfort her, she immediately recoils.
I find above all, she just needs someone to listen to her. She needs to vent, cry, get angry, and feel what she needs to feel. She needs the opportunity to feel safe in expressing herself.
I do my best to let her know that she’s not alone in the feelings she’s having. Sharing moments with her where I’ve been in similar situations or had similar thoughts.
I know what it feels like to hate yourself so much, feel so overwhelmed and weighed down with negativity, if even for a few moments, that you can’t see beyond it.
Making sure to ask before I hug, allowing her to decide if she’s ready. I want to make sure that she feels loved and heard.
Above all, we go at her pace.
How We Go at her Pace
We sat on that bathroom floor (there are two bathrooms) for 45 minutes. Her class lasts an hour.
She would feel ready to go back out and then begin to panic again, feeling like everyone will know that she’s been crying, or that they all saw her come in and will wonder why she’s been gone so long.
Reassuring her that many were busy tumbling, weren’t in her group, and probably didn’t see her, or pay attention to how long she was in the restroom. I told her those few students in her group, and her coach, were probably just hoping that she’s okay.
Once she felt ready to exit, her coach came over and asked her to please tell her what was wrong. She told my daughter that she struggles with anxiety too.
My daughter joined her group for the last 10 minutes. They were on the trampoline and foam pit, so she bounced and flipped, releasing some of the pent up emotions, and putting a smile on her face.
Then, my ex-couch companion asked her if she was okay. She broke back down in the car and cried all the way home.
Unfortunately, Anxiety Comes With the Genes
Coping with anxiety growing up, and depression in my late teens, I have felt many of the feelings and had many of the thoughts that she has.
Later in my thirties, I was diagnosed with bipolar II, anxiety, and ADHD. It also was the first time I was seeing a psychiatrist and not solely my ever-changing, primary care doctor.
Sidenote on the Importance of Having a Psychiatrist
A previous therapist told me that it was important to see a psychiatrist for mental health issues because that is what they specialize in.
Though don’t go into the psychiatrist thinking they want to hear what is on your mind like a therapist. They mostly want to get a brief summary of how you are feeling; if you have noticed any changes in mood, appetite, or sleep. Ask if there is anything else (pertinent to your meds), then adjust your meds if needed, and send you on your way.
We usually wait longer to be seen than the time actually spent back in their office.
Anxiety Comes With the Genes Continued
I feel guilty for passing down any mental health conditions, and I worry that both of my girls will struggle with depression and anxiety, possibly bipolar. I worry that their minds will tell them things that aren’t true. I worry they will believe them.
It can feel very isolating and lonely: put on a brave face, smile, function, and pretend like nothing’s wrong, all while there is a kaleidoscope of chaos coursing through your mind.
Here is an interesting article from The New York Times Magazine: “We Need to Understand the Difference Between Isolation and Loneliness.” This article looks at the mental and physical implications each has on one’s health.
Did you know that according to a study in 2015, isolation can increase one’s risk of mortality by 29%, and loneliness can increase it by 26%? Neither did I. I’d be afraid to see those numbers now.
Starting Therapy at a Young Age
Our daughter has been in talk therapy since she was in the third grade. She has been in tune with her emotions since a young age, telling me at five or six that she hears thunder in her ears when she gets angry.
Mental stress can cause a rush of blood through the carotid artery to the brain. Through my own personal observation and auditory anomalies, this increase in blood flow can resemble the sound of rolling thunder. There is a pulsating that causes a rumble in the ears and dampens the sound of outside noises.
Though she could tell me how she felt, she still needed to learn how to understand, identify, and process those emotions.
Struggling with Anxiety From a Young Age
Sometimes I wonder if it is my own drive to increase my emotional awareness or my past experience of moving 29 times that causes me to identify and try to mitigate the feelings of loneliness.
I knew that she was overwhelmed when going to daycare: new classroom, new kids, new teachers, and new environment. I’d felt it many times before.
I thought back to one of my comforts, something to write in. I never felt lonely if I had a pen and paper. It was easier to retreat into my own world than to be focused on the external.
So, I sent her with a small-ringed notebook, a pen attached by string. Scattered amongst the pages were pictures of family for her to look at when she needed to. Her caregivers said she would take it everywhere, then go sit outside by herself and draw.
As she felt more comfortable and more at ease, the notebook was left in the classroom or cubby. Again, we just needed to let her go at her own pace.
Things That Help My Daughter In High Anxiety Situations
When the voices get too loud in my daughter’s head and she needs to zone out and reset, we will find her in the backyard, her hat backwards, music blaring in her ears, swinging away.
At times she finds solace in something more creative such as writing, doodling, or tracing pictures on her laptop.
It can help to talk through her anxiety, so I sit and listen, allowing her to feel all the emotions and lighten her burden. Other times I urge her to scream at the top of her lungs and just get it out.
If it’s not me she wants to talk to, I am thankful she wants to lean on her friends or discuss things with her cousin. I only care that she has someone who she feels like she can trust with being vulnerable and honest, and who has her best intentions at heart.
If all else fails, she is usually up to play Minecraft with her dad or Roblox with me. When we play, which we need to do more, we spend a majority of the time just cracking up. She’s a fun, sarcastic, smart, and funny young lady.
AS THE SEASONS CHANGE and Summer Fast Approaches
We will be making a point to get out and enjoy the fresh air, go for walks, and ride the scooter. I would love to have park trips, check out some mountain hikes, and meet up with friends. We will also be swimming as much as we can.
The debris of Covid is slowly beginning to clear, and we are crawling back into the blinding light, trying hard to fully reintegrate into a social life that came before; with the only fact that is certain is that none of the old rules fully apply. But on the other hand, look at all the new, kinder societal rules that could be imagined.
In the end, our daughter is given the time she needs to process and compose herself before we circle back and maybe talk through some of her feelings. She is only twelve and emotions are complex, so I feel it’s on us as parents to observe what things help bring our child calm and reinforce those things in times of anxiety.
Factoring in One’s Age When Trying to Understand Their Actions
My husband feels I use my girls’ ages as a crutch for them, but it’s true. Their brains are still maturing. I understand that with age comes better clarity. A better ability to understand the motivations behind your actions. To decipher whether or not a particular action or reaction is best.
They aren’t there yet. They are going to make mistakes, just like we do, and even more. And it’s important to show that honesty is a safe option. Help guide them in the right direction. Everyone needs to be shown some grace and understanding. Something my therapist reminds me to show myself repeatedly.
The Benefits of Talk Therapy
Having been in talk therapy on and off for 23 years, I find the value I gain from being able to verbalize what’s been rolling around in my head can be beneficial and healing.
- Gives you a sounding board to unload your thoughts and worries
- Helps give you a removed perspective
- Can see patterns and trends that you can’t
- Can help make sense of the patterns and trends.
- Can help you feel less alone
- Allows you a space to process difficult emotions
- Gives you a voice
- Validates your feelings
Trying to Teach My Daughter Positive Ways to Handle Her Emotions
When I was younger, I was able to channel my anxieties into the outdoors: playing outside, going for a walk, or playing sports. When I felt alone in college, I would go to the gym or go for a run. It gave me time to enjoy being alone and have the time to reflect. It also made me feel strong and confident.
We’ve had my daughter in various sports: gymnastics, soccer, ninja, and we are signing her up for soccer again this year. We are trying to give her outlets that she can channel her extra energy and build relationships with peers.
We keep discussing how we need to start walking, and then sign up and do a 5K together. I have a hard time when my motivation drops to continue or complete activities, but I’m tryin to come up with strategies to fix that. I want to teach my daughters positive and healthy habits. Hopefully, next time when my daughter’s coach gets slightly aggravated, and she asks her to stay behind the group; it won’t result in a full on anxiety attack.